“Acting is a lot like dating,” I’ve been known to say.
I mean, it’s true.
When it’s good, it’s really, really good. And when it’s bad…well, if we’re willing to get the lesson, it can also be good. But even if in the short term, it feels really bad.
New studies (from San Diego State University) show that young people today are significantly more narcissistic than in the 1980s and 1990s. Ouch. The increase can be attributed to a number of factors including the Internet, our celebrity-obsessed culture, and changes in parenting styles.
So chances are you’ve dated someone (Eeeek!)-or will sometime soon-who doesn’t really care about you as much as you think they do.
This can open us to a whole new level of feeling, because along the dating journey with these kinds of people, we’re often made to believe that we’ve done something wrong, that we’re “crazy”, and that we’re imagining things or being too sensitive. This is what dating someone who says one thing but really means another can do to us.
People who have been rejected in unceremonious ways often tell me they don’t want to open their hearts again.
I get it. But as actors, we must. To choose to move through life zombify-ing ourselves, becoming risk-averse, and anesthetizing and numbing ourselves so we don’t have to feel again, doesn’t serve us-as artists or people.
The fact that we numb something doesn’t mean that we still don’t feel it. It’s there. That’s why we’re trying to numb it! And as a storyteller you can only tell story through the feelings you share. So if you want to heal, you have to feel.
The good thing about dating a narcissist (besides being brave enough to leave) is that, chances are, you’re going to move through a shit-storm of feeling. Anger, resentment, sadness, pain, rejection, rage, vulnerability. If you get the lesson quickly, and move on, you can access and use all of that stuff in your work. Not through sense memory or substitution. Simply you survived challenges in life that have transformed you and you’ll always carry within you the emotional imprint that all experiences have left you with.
So it’s a win-win because you have everything you will ever need inside you. And sometimes, the lesson can’t come without first being burned by it all. So all experiences are helpful in the long run, no matter how good or bad they seem at the time.
The key is to not repeat the lesson over and over. Like anything in our lives or career or art, it’s important to remember our worth-what we truly deserve; that letting go of something that doesn’t serve us is essential if we want to make room for something else to move into its place that does.
So thank those tricky people you’ve dated for the lessons they’ve afforded. They’ve made you a much better feeling actor than you could ever have imagined. But for gosh-sakes! Remember, there’s no need to go through it all again.
I was talking to an actor the other day who’s been having challenges with her representation for a while. I encouraged her to talk to them about the problem. You can’t fix anything if you pretend it’s not broken. Communication is the key. Everyone’s doing the best they can in this business at any given time, so it’s not about blame, but it is about getting more honest about what is-and isn’t-working in our lives.