Let’s deconstruct feeling, shall we, as it seems to be at the crux of almost all of our problems. Individually, culturally, and from a societal standpoint.
Think about it. Isn’t almost every challenge you’re up against in life in some way a direct correlation to how you feel? About the situation? Or yourself? Or the circumstances that got you there? Or the people involved?
“I hate them!” No you don’t. What they triggered inside you ”“ some feeling part of you that is hidden or traumatized or unconscious or unwilling to be felt is what you really hate.
Zero access to understanding the complexity of feeling and trying to avoid it, makes some people act out. Others shut down. Some drink. Some spend 4 hours on Instagram. Some do drugs. Others eat lots of Doritos. And sadly, many blow things up.
Feelings have no socio-economic or gender or sexual identity or ethnic demarcations. Everyone feels ”“ or avoids feeling ”“ regardless of age, class, status, religious belief or geographical location.
Here’s how it works. For all sorts of reasons; childhood trauma, bullying, being born into a family in which you were neglected ”“ or maybe the opposite is true ”“ you were the family favorite, the school standout, the most-likely- to-succeed ”“ it simply doesn’t matter. Being born into this existence and confronting the human experience head-on ”“ as you evolve and find your way in this world ”“ you are imprinted by life. Feeling imprints.
You see a bird die at the age of 8. You watch your mom screaming at your father. You try out for cheerleading and don’t make the cut. You almost drown when you’re 12. You see an alligator eat a zebra. You want to be a poet but choose accounting instead as your college major because it’s more practical.
A part of you dies. A part of you wants to grieve or scream. A part of you feels anxious or alone. A part of you feels just like that wounded animal.
Simple events and experiences have a complex emotional component attached to them that are then generally stored within us. And we forget about them.
Thank god.
As we journey on in life, however, at some point feelings start to rumble and come to the surface. Like volcanic offerings from our past. We find ways to jettison them. Ignore them. Pretend the deep, longing and pangs of our heart aren’t really there. They make us “weak” or “unlovable”, we tell ourselves. They aren’t “manly”. “I have to shut that shit down or I’ll be an irresponsible daughter” and on it goes.
So we start to choose things outside ourselves in an attempt to fix how we feel ”“ which is really a buffer so that we don’t have to feel what we don’t want to feel.
It feels good at first. Whatever it is that we choose to use to not feel. But then, it becomes a real detriment and our coping mechanisms to avoid feeling then backfire on us.
Coping mechanisms are there to help us cope. Not heal.
But we don’t want to merely cope. We want to live. We want to thrive. We want to passionately engage with the world and share your gifts and talents. We want to be the real goddamn bad-asses that we know we can be.
In Michael Paterniti’s inspiring GQ interview with Brad Pitt, he asks, “That’s the thing about becoming un-numb. You have to stare down everything that matters to you.”
Mr. Pitt responds: “That’s it! Sitting with those horrible feelings, and needing to understand them, and putting them into place. In the end, you find: I am those things I don’t like. That is a part of me. I can’t deny that. I have to accept that. And in fact, I have to embrace that. I need to face that and take care of that. Because by denying it, I deny myself. I am those mistakes. For me every misstep has been a step toward epiphany, understanding, some kind of joy. Yeah, the avoidance of pain is a real mistake. It’s the real missing out on life. It’s those very things that shape us, those very things that offer growth, that make the world a better place, oddly enough, ironically. That make us better.”
Everyone feels. And everyone has different ways of not allowing others to see that they feel. We hide behind many things ”“ pretty faces and expensive cars and lots of money and fame and social media followers.
But if the external can’t ever solve the internal it doesn’t matter how good it looks on the outside if it doesn’t feel that way on the inside.
So we take a deep breath. We ask for help. We stop shaming ourselves for feeling things. We talk to a friend to help us understand our condition in a different way. A burden shared is half the burden. We connect more. We try to get more honest. We stop compartmentalizing and comparing and thinking that we’re the only ones who feel fake, false, insecure, incompetent and ineffectual.
And the acknowledgment of this, itself, is a step toward the feeling we truly desire. Joy. Peace. Acceptance. Understanding. Compassion. Sensitivity. For oneself. For the human condition. For where you are right now.